Bondmistress Oubliette herself had come to find him. The sputtering bulb in the elevator shone through the wide moth eaten brim of her hat, dappling her pale face with sodium-colored light. Of all the caretakers, Bastian considered Oubliette's face the most well maintained.

Her arm unfolded like a graceful black umbrella, gesturing for him to join her. Wanting to give no cause for suspicion, he immediately stepped into the cab, a space immediately cramped by the bustle of her dress.

Oubliette turned her gaze down upon him, smooth white eyes set in a smooth white face interrupted only by a thin crevice. He heard her scratch and click just under its surface, but the hinges did not move. For a moment Bastian felt the words rise from their hidden place, burning up through his forehead where she could surely read them.

He gulped relief as she looked away, but held his breath as her eyes fell now on the sheet hung on the opposite wall. "See nothing," he thought at her, as though it might help. "They're just scribbles." The Bondmistress did not move. "Her face will open now," Bastian thought, certain that the scratching in her head had grown agitated.

But then the doors closed and Oubliette's arms moved absently about, sending the elevator back up.

Pull, spin, step.


Fitter Happier said...

In my last submission, I pulled Bastian back into a memory, then left it unresolved. That may have been a poor decision on my part. In any case it took me a couple passes to realize that you'd returned to the present and left the memory unresolved.

I really like where you took it, but I'd like a sentence or two to close that memory sequence and pull the reader back to the present.

Would you like to add a couple sentences to the beginning of your submission? Or should I add to the end of mine? Let me know if you're confused about what I'm asking.

Drey said...

(9:42:57 AM) Drey: Hmm, it didn't strike me as unresolved. It seemed like fodder for a back story or subplot. You seemed to close the memory by bringing the narrative back to the present. I considered referencing the memory right away, but I thought we needed to get back to what was going on in the present, otherwise going back to the memory would seem like a dodge.

(9:44:04 AM) Nukes: i made the mistake of doing a daydream within a daydream near the end of my submission

(9:44:39 AM) Drey: Oh, I see what happened now.

(9:44:49 AM) Nukes: so bastian and patrice are sitting in the elevator, and he's fantasizing about her and her beauty, then he gets stirred from that daydream by the elevator stopping,

(9:44:57 AM) Nukes: but Bastian is still in a memory

(9:45:38 AM) Drey: right. I get it now. Yes, you nested the memories. I totally missed that, but it was a little unclear.

(9:47:13 AM) Nukes: yeah, i started to realize how much I'd written and I tried to end it on a note someone else could pick up on, but it was unclear

(9:47:38 AM) Nukes: i'll add a few sentences to the end of my post to clarify that

(9:48:24 AM) Drey: Is it going to allow for my post to still be valid or will we still be back in the memory?

(9:49:05 AM) Nukes: i'll just tie up that memory sequence, leave it open for someone to revisit it, and segue into your post